thoughts about amoral relationships
If you take your life seriously—that is, if you care about making the most of your opportunities and living a moral life—you should never associate with amoral individuals.1
Consider how we expect an amoral person to behave. Sans morals, someone is likely to exhibit traits such as impulsiveness, narcissism, and negligence. They would likely pursue what provides them with the most short-term entertainment without considering the consequences inflicted on others.2 After all, in their eyes, the social contract does not apply to them and them alone. Why should they be well-behaved? That may not always serve their best immediate interests. And why should they be concerned with others bearing the consequences of their actions? It is never in their immediate interest to admit fault and take responsibility. Thus, they do not.
Functionally, the amoral behave like the unmoral.3 However, I consider them far more deplorable as they are aware of moral conventions but react with indifference while the unmoral are merely ignorant. Perhaps unintuitively, I consider these individuals as destructive as the immoral.4 Many may balk at this claim; how can those who ignore morals be the equivalent of those who reject them? Simply put, we recognize the immoral and correctly characterize them as sinister and poor company. Because of this, the amoral operate with far less suspicion and can perpetuate greater harm.
The amoral can often deceive the unobservant into thinking they possess a moral compass. They may use moral language when describing their decision-making and apply fallacious reasoning to justify their immoral behavior.5 Amoral individuals can quickly gain acceptance into a social circle, leveraging a brief period of charm and conformity to gain entry. Once integrated, they can rely on the group’s inertia and aversion to conflict to maintain their relationships, even if their behavior becomes inconsistent or harmful.
So, what are friendships with the amoral like?6 Fundamentally, they will not necessarily be friends who want the best for you. There may be times when they do, but it exists to the extent that it is convenient for them. They would never act as a friend when it is difficult. They expect you to always be available to support their chaotic lives, but if you need their help at an inconvenient time, they will only offer unreliable apologies. You want friends who see your potential and push you towards it, who recognize the good and can act as faithful partners working to improve with a shared understanding of progress. This means that you will probably have conflicts.7 The amoral rarely criticizes because to do so is to incite short-term discomfort, which is antithetical to their desire for short-term pleasure. If your evaluation of a friendship is positive solely because you never disagree, the friendship ought to be reevaluated.8
Avoiding conflict, as the amoral do, is problematic on multiple levels. Most obviously, it enables extremely self-destructive habits in those around them. Consider a hypothetical where an amoral individual found out their best friend was cutting themselves. How do you think they’ll react? I believe they will ignore it, claiming that they “can’t force their friends into therapy!” or that they did “all they could.”9 This best friend would then continue to cut themselves without negative external feedback. Hollow justifications and ad hoc explanations for a lack of action are at the very least, unhelpful and most likely, partially responsible for perpetuating harm. Avoiding conflict does not make problems disappear; it ultimately extends and intensifies a problem, making them more difficult to address as habits become more ingrained over time. Consequently, I believe that sustaining amoral friendships inevitably exacerbates harmful behaviors.
Furthermore, you should never take amoral friendships at face value. Since they have no qualms with lying and avoid conflict, your assessment of how they view you may be inaccurate. How can you be certain that someone with no regard for the truth likes you? Your standings with them are always in question and you can never be sure where their loyalty lies.
Tangentially connected, I’ve noticed that the amoral are chronic and braggadocios gossipers. They have an incessant need to share privileged information; to prove to their social circles that they are above them and privy to more information. How do they obtain such information so consistently? They lie, convincing their peers that they are close friends when they are only looking to improve their social standing by sharing information with others. If you believe that they would never share your information, you are mistaken. Remember, the amoral only holds loyalty and other similar beliefs when it is convenient.
The amoral are terrible company. They strive towards their own goals and view others as obstacles and supporting characters in their singular journey. It may even be the case that your success threatens their own such that they minimize or inhibit your progress. There is no room to grow with them. For the potential of short-term entertainment, your friendship will cost long-term suffering. Reject them.
To be amoral is to have no concern about whether behavior is morally right or wrong.↩
Often, they will not even consider personal long-term consequences if these consequences do not impact them directly and significantly.↩
The unmoral describe those with no moral perceptions, such as animals.↩
Those who consciously reject moral concerns.↩
Being amoral means acting inconsistently with regard to moral and immoral behavior. As a result, amoral individuals often exhibit both moral and immoral behavior, depending on what is most convenient or advantageous in each situation. Their actions are guided by self-interest rather than a consistent moral code, leading to a flexible and opportunistic approach to ethics.↩
I concede that not all friendships with the amoral will follow the trends I outline, but I would be shocked if distinct parallels do not exist.↩
If you work against what is best for yourself, as we often do.↩
Most likely, the lack of conflict is not because no one has gripes with one another, but because conflict is difficult and avoided by the amoral.↩
This is a pattern I have witnessed personally on multiple occasions. That is to say, I do not believe it to be a strawman.↩