thoughts about having children
It is an unpopular sentiment—and one likely shaped by my naiveté and youth—but I believe we ought to have children early.
Often, rebuttals to this view concern prospects1 and “personal fulfillment.” These arguments propose that children inhibit your life trajectory and prevent you from reaching “your full potential.” Thus, they represent a roadblock to maximizing your personal fulfillment in life. Notice the unstated premise: In terms of fulfillment, the costs of children outweigh their benefit.
This is a misunderstanding of telos. To raise children properly, it is almost always the case that parents sacrifice a level of comfort and leisure for increased responsibility. Many fear this increased responsibility, but it is a necessary component of a fulfilling life.2
If you’ve attended career panels, you would have heard this sentiment repeated. Someone always asks a question logically equivalent to “what advice would you give your younger self?” or “are you happy?” Inevitably, someone on the panel talks about the importance of family, a work-life balance, and advises the audience to “Get married early. Have kids. Even if you are unprepared.” This response is shockingly consistent and seems earnest, but the audience often responds with laughter. Let’s consider the sentiment seriously. What is the utility of early parenthood?
Ask any parent and they will describe how parenthood transformed them. Our individualist culture seldom provides the space for us to think about anything beyond ourselves, but parenthood forces us to do so. Raising children naturally compels us to think about and be responsible for another. This forcefully matures people and instills virtues—such as humility, patience, and courage. From these virtues, we can find joy. It is for good reason that parents frequently cite the birth of their children as the happiest day of their life.3
We will not live in this world forever. If we want to maximize personal fulfillment, we should pursue what is meaningful earlier. The most meaningful relationships ought to be evaluated based on the depth of understanding/appreciation, and the extent of growth parties can induce in one another. Forming these relationships earlier necessarily intensifies their significance. This includes friendships, romance, and children. For each of these cases, but perhaps most obviously for children, the formation of these connections pushes you to be better than you currently are. What substantive argument can there be against better self-improvement over a longer period?
The response is most frequently, “I am not ready.” Indeed, no one ever is. In many of our own lives, we rarely have the mother or father we deserve. Regardless, do you not love your parents? Why would you not expect your future child to feel the same despite your flaws? You will never be “prepared” to have a child before having one, the same way you can never be prepared to drive a car without doing so.4 A perfect parent before parenting is an impossibility. Have faith that you have the breadth of character to rise to the occasion in spite of your shortcomings.
Often, jobs but it could also be social.↩
We’ve all had moments of recklessness that we later regret. Antithetical to them are responsible actions. These are the moments that I consider most meaningful, ones where we can lay at night and feel satisfied knowing that we’ve acted in a way that will invoke pride from my future self. Responsibility is a prerequisite for such actions.↩
A close second is your wedding day and third, the birth of your grandchildren. Both are related to becoming a parent. There is something to be said about the unbreakable human connection represented by marriage and parenthood.↩
Please take this analogy within its intended spirit.↩